No Mo’ Plateaus!

My most recent article on self – control (the second in a two-part series found in the Diet Doc May newsletter generated a request for a blog on plateaus. Hmmm…that’s a very open-ended, broad topic. To the “Do you have anything on plateaus?” inquiry, I asked “Mental or physical?” I could hear the chuckle through the words of my follower, but she got it. Any phenomenon like this cannot be examined without considering it from multiple perspectives. So let’s dive into the diverse aspects of plateaus in the context of weight loss.

“My weight’s not moving!! I’ve hit a plateau!” I’m  betting these words have traveled over your lips with frustration, confusion, and discouragement. Especially if you have enjoyed consistent downward movement on the scale in the initial phases of your weight loss efforts, a “stall” can seem disheartening. Plateaus come in all shapes and sizes though– like all the different bodies in the world. You’ve got short, long, lean, lanky, round, rotund, portly, athletic. I’ve had clients email me freaking out that they’re doing something wrong when their weight remains the same for ONE DAY.  “Is this what they call a plateau!?!” Um…no.

Imagine you’re hiking, and you’ve just summitted a small mountain peak. You can feel your heart beating quickly, your respiration rate is high, and you feel like stopping for a little bit to catch your breath. You really want to get to the next mile marker though, so you tell yourself to keep going. As you keep walking, you see you don’t need to stop and rest- the trail levels out and for half a mile or so you’re taking a leisurely stroll through a pretty valley. You don’t feel particularly challenged by this area of the trail and you welcome the respite. The terrain gives you a chance to enjoy the scenery. You feel the sun on your face where it’s peaking through the trees. You imagine the softness of the prairie grass as it ripples in soft waves from the breeze. You realize you’ve not taken the time to appreciate what’s around you and where your panting and huffing and puffing actually got you until now! As you scan the trail in front of you, you notice some rather large boulders and  steps carved into the land as the grade steepens.  Twinging with both exhilaration and trepidation, you adjust your pack and think, “Okay, here we go!”, readying yourself for the upcoming challenge. One step at a time, with a mountain goat-like sure-footedness, you move forward. The trail continues to increase in elevation, and you find yourself leaning forward to increase your momentum. Your backpack feels uncomfortably heavy now but you trek onward albeit a bit slower and with more caution. “I’ll climb to that big tree and then rest” you say to yourself. “Climb”, “climb”, “climb” you chant. The tree seems to be further away than you anticipated! But you’ve been here before and as difficult as this feels, you push through it.

Plateaus, like the trek of a backpacker, come amidst peaks and valleys, rugged and smooth terrain, slow rises in elevation and steep declines. They must be valued in the full context of the journey, with an understanding of what is, in weight loss terms, physiologically normal. Our bodies are not linear and your weight loss won’t be either. Our bodies are dynamic, always changing in regards to fluid balance, intestinal mass and GI function, hormonal balance, etc. Even when you do not see a change on the scale, this is not an indication that nothing is happening in your body. The number on the scale is not always reflective of fat loss. It may take a day, three, or a week or two for it to register losses. I’ve had clients who I call “hangeronners” because they lose a couple pounds, the scale remains the same for a couple weeks, then they have a big drop, and the cycle repeats itself.  In essence, a plateau is what you define it to be, and your definition can change based on how you see your body responds.

If you hear yourself saying “I’ve hit a plateau,” perhaps this needs to be your signal to do the following:

1. Assess what you have been doing up to this point. What have you achieved, specifically? What have the behaviors been that have led to your success so far? Get very specific. Take your time with this. These are the areas you will want to continue and not let fall away.

2. Assess the areas you have struggled with. Honestly appraise the behaviors that could use a fine-tuning. For example, if you can admit to eating the leftovers off your child’s dinner plate a few nights each week, hold yourself accountable with this.  Pretending gets you nowhere. Admit, acknowledge, and then act.  Act= evaluate what you can do differently.

3. Rather than getting discouraged and automatically going to “I must be doing something wrong”, which is a value-laden, emotional response, stay objective. You could be doing everything you know to do–eating the appropriate amounts of food, staying consistent with eating balanced meals, structuring your meals effectively, and getting a good amount of exercise in. Maybe a small tweak is just necessary. Perhaps changing one of your longer cardio sessions to a higher intensity session is in order. After assessing the foods you’ve been eating you recognize that you are consuming quite a bit of artificially sweetened beverages and know that this can get in the way of fat loss, as well as prompt sugar cravings, so you reduce the amount you’re eating.

4. Whatever you define a plateau to be, use it to get real with yourself. Take stock, assess, appreciate how far you’ve come, identify what has gotten you there, and pay attention to the process for a bit versus being fixated on the end result. Of course the goal is important, but don’t discount what you’re learning as you put one foot in front of the other. With each challenge you are harnessing willpower, self-control, self-esteem, self-trust, self-wisdom, confidence, growth, and practicing viewing the difficulties not as setbacks but as opportunities to learn.

Plateaus are as much about your mindset as they are your body. We all have a metabolic set point at which getting underneath to achieve the lean physiques we desire requires a bit more digging, perseverance, and patience. Imagine plateaus as a barometer for changing your mental set point too!

Get Real

When I wrote my “Interviewing Myself” post, settling over me was a dense, almost suffocating fog of creative yet anxious urgency. I was supposed to be doing something, being pushed to commit or move or finish something. Times like this inevitably lead me to intentionally exhale and search for a comfortable spot to rummage around a bit for the driver.  Comfortable, I come to find…over and over and over again… is the key word.

Often I come to one or a few conclusions — 1. I’ve  had too much caffeine; 2. My hormones are out of whack; 3. I’m hungry; 4. I’m trying to do too many things at once; or 5. I’m putting far too much pressure on myself to ‘figure it out’.

At the end of the Interviewing Myself post, I said I would ponder the following questions:

In 5 years, what will you look upon as your greatest achievements?

I’m picking this question because I feel a drive, a sense of urgency, and perhaps it will lead me to understanding the values I am about to put this energy toward.

My second question will be this:

What are my emotional dependencies?

I was obviously grasping for answers.

It seems that a discomfort with uncertainty could be a significant fear of mine. Kind of.  But it’s often not conscious. It creeps in when I least expect it. Honestly though, most of the time I am thinking, “Uncertainly is inevitable. Nothing is permanent.” I am okay with not knowing everything. I am okay with not having my entire life planned out or being able to look into a crystal ball and predict that in 10 years I’ll be the CEO of a coaching development firm, have 3 books published, have won The Voice and released at least two Grammy winning songs….Really, I am! I think.

Just yesterday though I said to my business partner, “Oh my gosh…there are times when we have these conversations and we’re planning and scheming and getting so galvanized and passionate about our projects, that I just start feeling frustrated, like I’m spinning. I can’t devote the time, the energy, the effort necessary to make them come to fruition quickly enough. Do you ever feel that way?!” He nodded. I know he does.

With this question though, I realized I was answering the second interview question from my previous post. What are my emotional dependencies? Recognizing that most of my life has been a push for more, for accomplishments, and for achievements, I have hung on to the belief that if I don’t do “something”, I won’t be “anything”. And I have to be someone. I MUST be someone.

Do you know when I don’t HAVE to be anything or anyone though and I just am, and that’s fine…it’s perfect actually? When I’m not thinking so far ahead, and when I’m not pushing away parts of myself that I’ve labeled as “bad” or “unbecoming”, I feel freer, liberated, and imperfectly honest!

I will always be an achiever, a doer, a go-getter, and one who will never stop learning and growing. But through that growth has risen the drive also to reveal the tattered, bruised, and ugly, shaded, less than attractive, base corners of my soul. We’ve all got them. And we suffer the most when we reject them. Maybe life is about learning not how to ‘figure it out’ , but how to be real, to claim all parts of yourself, to remove the masks, and see that whatever you have defined as dark and ugly can be transformed.  To get real I believe we must run toward that ugliness rather than away from it.

Get Out of the Meat Locker

My last blog was a rant about the poor state of affairs our society is in regarding personal responsibility. I got more comments on that blog than I have in a while. Perhaps it resonated with others. Perhaps I said something that others are afraid to? One comment was just a “Wow.” When I saw the person who commented this way he said, “I think you were a bit harsh.” But that’s as far as he went. I don’t know what he meant by that, but if harsh means that I was straightforward, blunt, to the point, and expressed an emotion, yep, I was harsh.

I’m not one to necessarily get extremely vigilant or worked up about anything.  It’s just not worth it. What’s the point? Unless that intensity is going to lead me to take action, as it did in this case, then it’s better to leave well enough alone. If I’m going to feel something I want it to mean something.  As I was reading the headlines I could feel myself getting more and more worked up. Maybe “angry” isn’t the right term. I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t offended. I was incensed. I felt “strongly” let’s say. And I needed a constructive outlet for my thoughts. Ode to the KP blog, and each of you was at the receiving end. So thanks for listening.

I want to take my rant a step further though and dig into the foundation of personality responsibility. I’ve had quite a few interactions of late with females in particular who demonstrate  severe self-loathing and shame, and I’ve noticed a few behaviors that accompany these characteristics, which I believe, at their core, represent a dysfunctional level of personal responsibility.

1. Indecisiveness
2. Perpetual uncertainty
3. Low confidence
4. Lack of trust
5. Hoping and wishing
6. Asking “why?”
7. A focus on the not-so-great, ugly, negative, “wrong” stuff of life
8. A vocalized need for change

I’m finding that most people operate on extremes. I’ve got these ladies who throw themselves in the meat locker, suffer through hypothermic temps,  insist on carrying the devil on their backs, and start every sentence with “I should.” Then I’ve got the individuals who refuse at every turn to believe that they play any role in the situations in their lives. Hapless victims, whatever happens, the fault resides with someone else.

So we’ve got the “I’ll never be good enough” camp versus the “yeah buter” camp.  The former runs themselves ragged, wreaking havoc with the belief that they must not be trying hard enough, being who they should be, getting as much done as they really could, or accomplishing what they’re capable of. They strive for ultimately what can never be achieved– perfection.  The latter, well, they are just victims of circumstance.

Of course it’s never all or nothing, folks. The world is not black and white, and neither are people. But they can act this way, believe this way, and ultimately what it leads to is dissonance. Which is exactly what these camps have in common. Discomfort. But it’s coming from different sources.

I don’t want to address the less-than-responsible people today.

You meat locker people– those of you have decided that there is inherently something wrong and bad about you. You’re right. We’ve all got facets of our personalities that are less than becoming….downright ugly at times. And the sooner we can accept that, the more self-compassionate we can be. Self compassion doesn’t mean self-pity. What it does mean is letting yourself off the hook– the one you’ve hung yourself on in your own personal meat locker. The meat locker is that “I’m my own worst critic” voice. How about rather that our own worst critic we welcome in a friend who we can sit in front of like a mirror and let her reflect was she sees. Not in a judgmental manner but one of genuine care, acceptance, and an expectation of understanding.  If you’re searching for change or you are uncomfortable, it’s not change you’re actually looking for. You’re desperate for things to remain the same. But understanding that change is inevitable, that everything is fleeting, that nothing right now is the same as it is right now, can do a few things for you.

a) It can create in you a perpetual student– keep asking the why’s, but do so like a scientist, an observer

b) It allows you to relieve yourself of the need to push too hard toward some things and to push away other things. In other words, you become skilled in being right here, even if right here is not ideal

c) It allows you to trust in the uncertain nature of life- -not a thing remains the same; we live in the unknown; most of what we want answers for, there aren’t any answers for, and our suffering is a product of clawing our way through what we think will create answers.

d) It gives you the ability to treat your life like a great expedition. You’re an explorer. Explorers don’t “hope” and “wish”. They navigate. And yes, they may run right into some storms and suffer setbacks, but they expect them.

e) It teaches you not to force change. Change is going to occur whether you want it to or not.

What a gift! If you’re in the meat locker right now oh how lovely the transformation can be!  The melting self-forgiveness and the transcendent nature of coming to terms with our frailties and ugliness, but also the beauty that we can extract out of life when we’re not so hung up on what’s wrong with us …….thank you Mr. Blog Follower for giving me the word to end this blog with: Wow.

Where has Personal Responsibility Gone?

Okay, I’m angry. I was on the treadmill this morning reading the NPR Health headlines, and every page had an article related to nutrition.

• Food deserts and the impact of low availability of and access to nutritious foods in low income neighborhoods
• the continuing rise in obesity (big surprise) and its influence on soaring health care costs
• a rant by an author about how some states are banning bake sales because of how unhealthy they can be (I love this, but the author was not happy about it. Oh the places I could go with this.)
• an article about how mothers of infants who are obese (yes, you read that correctly– INFANTS) misinterpret how fat their babies are, oftentimes rating them as normal or underweight
• a description of the rising tide of childhood type 2 diabetes and how the typical meds given to adults are ineffective, in addition to how apparently lifestyle interventions don’t work either to relieve the condition

Am I the only one who is freaking livid about how people are choosing not to take care of themselves, much less their freaking children?!

As I was running I thought, “You know what? My health insurance premium is going to go up again. Each year I see it rise. Each year I take better and better care of myself. I’m not paying for MY health care! I’m paying for everyone else’s! I’m paying for the hospital visits of people who have a heart attach because they are among the fastest growing members of the obesity population– the people who are 100 lbs or more overweight! Are you kidding me?!”

At what point do you look down and recognize that you have a responsibility to do something different. It’s not just individual lives that are influenced by each of our decisions. It’s society! It’s time to wake up and look around. Just because 70% of people are overweight doesn’t make it OKAY! What happened to hard work, effort, and responsibility for our own health being the norm? I grew up poor. One parent. One amazing mother who sure, could have done some things different (we call can look back and say, “Wow, I messed that one up!” and we SHOULD!), but who also worked her fingers to the bone, didn’t sleep many nights, but put food on the table (and yes, made sure the meals were as balanced as possible, even if the vegetables came from a freaking can), and showed me what it meant to be self-determined and to not expect things to be handed to me.

Personal Responsibility- how has it disappeared? How do we get it back? Are you implementing a level of accountability in your own life? Getting support from trusted individuals who can help you develop this if it’s lacking?

What’s In Your Feed Bag?

My life revolves around food. I’m surrounded by it– figuratively and literally. Preparing for a competition, tracking is imperative. Planning of meals, anticipating the day ahead, identifying what needs to be prepped ahead of time and how much to set aside….all of these things are the normal daily occurrences of a competitor.

As a nutrition consultant, however, I am neck-deep in food-related activities with my clients as well. We talk about what is in food, why it’s a more or less healthy food, what foods might be good substitutions, recipes, grocery shopping, food label reading, supplementation, menu dissection, and travel planning.

Aside from these more practical aspects of food, we delve into the emotional side of food. It should not come as a surprise that many individuals who are struggling with overweight or obesity have emotional eating and addictive type behaviors related to feeding.  How many people do you know who binge eat who say they enjoy every moment of the binge? That they taste, with precision and clarity, the various high notes and low notes of the food, like an avid wine connoisseur, and feel the tantalizing textures of each morsel as it is consumed?

Emotional eating is the opposite of clarity, of presence, of in-the-moment mindfulness. Emotional eating takes one away from experiencing the right now.  Emotional eating clouds our minds, beats up our bodies, and is a message (and you won’t likely hear it until you’ve put down the peanut butter) that we need to listen more closely, REALLY listen, pay attention, and be WITH our selves.

Are you  lost? If you’re an emotional eater, I’ll answer that question for you. Yes, yes, you are. You’ve strayed so far away from who you are, that when you do experience yourself, you don’t trust that you can handle it. When you’re uncomfortable, what do you do? When you’re anxious, where do you turn? When you’re discouraged, what’s the first thing you think of reaching for?

How come food is the go-to? Does it help? When you’re done eating do you feel better?

What if you could learn to manage rather than masticate when your recognize your discomfort?

If you’re a regular reader of my blog you  know I’ve written numerous articles on binge and emotional eating, and the necessity of becoming more emotionally intelligent through emotion recognition, acknowledgement, and effective management. Mindfulness is a key component of this process and includes learning how to sit with the feeling in a nonjudgmental manner, understanding that it will pass, that it doesn’t define you, and that you are not the only one who has had it. In essence, it’s a process of destigmatizing it and neutralizing the power  you give to it.

Part of healthy coping, however, is also a form of distraction. No, there is nothing wrong with sometimes getting busy, taking your mind off of something that is bothering you, and giving yourself a “time out.” Distraction can be nurturing if it’s not an activity that is inherently damaging. It can “feed” you in a healthy way, without the use of food, and it’s good to have some activities that you enjoy and can eat up when the need arises.

I like to close my eyes and just breathe, come up with new ideas for my blog, read the magazines that have stacked up , surf the internet for creative recipes that I can eat and then also share with my clients, and make notes for the upcoming Diet Doc books that we’re writing.

Consider creating a bag of token items  that will remind you of your favorite emotionally nurturing activities.

It may just be what’s needed to move you away from asking “What’s in the cupboard?”

The DownLow on the D-Lo: Her Life as a Magic Bullet

D-Lo recently underwent a renovation- a spiritual revival of sorts. Imagine your good friend, the navigation lady, in her helpful tone saying, “Recalculating..” D-Lo has been recalculating, though not consciously, for quite a while.

Last month she was hit by a renovation revelation. She could see more clearly that what she had been working toward for so long was no longer necessarily what she was interested in. The direction she was driving was leading to a destination of disinterest. It was time to make a change, she thought, but what do you do when  you’ve done the same thing for so long? What if there is no road except the same one you’ve been on to take you in another direction?

Even though she knew that her current direction didn’t feel right, she had no idea what direction actually would. Now that’s some angst. How often have we asked ourselves the same questions? “Now what?” or “How do I know what to do?” Maybe we’re trying too hard to have the answer. Maybe not knowing the answer is exactly where we’re supposed to be because in that space of uncertainly is where it will be revealed.  The discomfort has to be there in order for us to become more observant and open to discovery and exploration.

In fact, research demonstrates greater well-being among individuals who can effectively restructure their goals. In a recent study conducted at Concordia University, breast cancer survivors showed significantly greater life adjustment, increased physical activity, and fewer physical symptoms as a result of goal redirection.

“By engaging in new goals a person can reduce the distress that arises from the desire to attain the unattainable, while continuing to derive a sense of purpose in life by finding other pursuits of value,” says Wrosch, one of the study authors.

“Abandoning old goals allows someone to invest sufficient time and energy in effectively addressing their new realities.”

D-Lo has been experiencing her new reality, the space, as boredom. “I’ve been bored…” She told me. “I feel listless.” She described how she has been searching for things to throw her energy into and she ends up landing on situations that she realizes aren’t at all what she knows she wants to change. Not bored– uncertain. She’s reaching, grasping, clawing for assurance. And she realizes it.

D-Lo is one of the most empowering women I know. Her life’s mission is to show young girls how capable they are and help them to find their inner drive and spirit to be the best they can be. She’s unbelievably inspiring. Ironic that she is now having to dig in and restructure, recalculate, and redefine who she is in the same manner as she asks many of her mentees.  Her tweet to me this morning said, “It’s time to shake up my life and be mmmeeeeeeeee!” (If you’re counting, there should be 9  “E”s).

D-Lo has made a decision to get lost. She’ll be recalculating quite a bit now, but she’s embracing it. She’ll set new goals, stick with some, give up others, and through each experience practice being true to herself. She’s creating her life as a Magic Bullet!  She’s popping the lid off; throwing in a variety of colors, tastes, and textures; and she’s ready to push the button to blend it all together. No doubt she’ll concoct some combos that are hard to swallow. Others will be smooth, creamy, and leave her yearning for more. But each one will be a stepping stone to an amazing D-Lo Supreme.

D-Lo, thank you for allowing me the pleasure of  knowing you, a woman of substance. I’m in the blender of life with you.

Self-Sabotage?

Sometimes words are misleading. Why would I want to sabotage myself? Consciously.

“Don’t do that, Kori.You’ve thrown everything you have…all your energy…so much effort…time…into accomplishing this goal. You should probably step on your own feet now, get in your own way, and make the journey a lot more difficult.”

Yeah, I hear myself saying this all the time.

Are you kidding me? What the heck?

Yet we fall, we crumble, and we do things sometimes that aren’t congruent with what we’ve said we want. But can we really call it self-sabotage?

We get comfortable and used to behaving and thinking in certain ways and in specific patterns. Think of your drive into work today– do you remember it? Unless you had to brake hard because you almost hit a deer,  you were probably on auto pilot. You’ve driven the same route so many times, the drive doesn’t resonate for you.

Ever notice the order in which you take a shower? I didn’t notice until I felt like I had missed something and realized that I forgot to condition my hair. Usually I do it immediately after I wash it, then I soap up and allow the conditioner to soak in, then I rinse my hair. When I went to rinse it this time though, there was no conditioner. What a weird feeling!

On the flip side of automaticity and how it can impact our behavior, there is also fear.  It too may  not be conscious, but it influences our actions and what we decide to do or not do.  I received an email recently that touches on fear:

” …I am scared to go farther, take it to the next level, what if I DO do this, and what if I AM good at this, and what if I DO achieve?  Why would I be afraid of that? Because it’s uncharted ground?  Because I’ve settled in the past and that is what is easy?”

First, those are all great questions to ponder. What is the next level, and what would change as a result of reaching it? If the changes are perceived as scary, yep, you might be afraid.

And yep, as human beings many of us are not too comfortable with the unknown, uncharted territory. We don’t like feeling lost, meandering without a map (see previous blog!).

But settling? Then we’re just stuck. We can meander and explore and find. Or we can settle and sit and die. Dramatic? I don’t think so.

Achievement beyond what has already been accomplished now means that the bar is raised. Now you’ve set your expectations higher, and you might feel like and perceive that if you do well people will expect from you new and superior things. Pressure! Sounds like a good mentality to live by: I might as well fail early so I don’t have to fail harder later. Huh?

I have one more thought to share on self-sabotage. It seems to come up when people are working toward a change. This same client of mine told me that she needs to move out of her comfort zone, but she’s obviously not comfortable where she is!  So I see it two ways: she stays uncomfortable in her normal discomfort OR she gets uncomfortable in some new discomfort.…a new discomfort that could amount to her becoming more capable, confident, risk-taking, aggressive (in a good way of course), spontaneous, brave, and courageous.

So is it self-sabotage? Or is it an opportunity to learn about your patterns of behavior, how you perceive the world, and to assess and become more present with your situation?

I once was lost…but now I’m found…

How many times in the last week have you heard yourself sigh with a feeling of being overwhelmed, stressed out, or overworked?

Feeling lost amidst a sea of responsibilities and tasks that you don’t want to do but feel compelled and obligated to complete, you walk around heavily, likely with a less than pleasant look on your face, sometimes willing yourself not to laugh even when something is funny. Heck, you have to commit to something. Might as well commit to  being miserable.

It’s astounding to me how many people I talk to daily who express confusion about not knowing what to do or feeling like they don’t know which way to turn. “I feel lost– I don’t  know what direction to take.”  It’s like we’re just a bunch of zombies meandering around the world aimlessly, going wherever, doing whatever, but having so much to do we don’t know where to start. If I just keep doing what I’m doing at some point I’ll collide with something or someone and there will be the answer. Um, not quite. Not in my world anyway.

That lostness is often due to indecision. An unwillingness to take a stand, make a choice, and then live with the consequences. Choices can feel difficult, yes. The moment we decide something, we’ve given up on something else. But if we decide to live in limbo and not decide, we can miss out on a great opportunity to move forward with something that is obviously important or we’d not be considering it in the first place!

Lost means that we can be found. And lost means that we’ve got some decisions to ponder. Lost means that yes, we have to think and weigh the consequences of our actions, positive or negative. And lost means that we might have to bear some discomfort. But lost is temporary. And once we’re found we’ll feel lost again.

It’s often when we’re not focused on the right now, the present, THIS moment and we’re looking ten miles ahead or two years back that we can start to feel lost and overwhelmed. Find yourself here, because that’s the only place you are. Right here is an easier place to make decisions. Grounded, centered, and sound.  In the now everything appears much clearer.

“I once was lost….but  now I’m found…was blind, but now, I see…..”

Interviewing Myself

I was told this morning “Kori, you’ve been on fire!” That comment was followed up with, “What’s going on for you?! Something’s happening!”

In fact, something is.

In fact, I can’t name it.

In fact, all I can recognize at this point is that I’m pulsing. Buzzing.

When I unplug the wire that inserts into my computer to power my speakers and it touches the file cabinet, it emits this grating but powerful hum.

In fact, I’m humming.

The potential energy with which I’m filled often leaves me feeling either immobile or creatively manic. When I can harness it, pay attention to it, breathe through it, and assess it, however, it becomes a smooth but rapidly flowing river of ideas, insights, and movement. My potential energy becomes potentially potent.

Accessing the river can be tricky though. Do I just jump in? No life vest? Do I get a boat? Do I scout the river to find calm, non-choppy waters?Do I ask someone to join me? Would that be safer? Do I need safe? Do I find out what the weather is going to be like before I traverse the river wild? Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too cautious. Perhaps sometimes it makes sense to not plan at all and “go with the flow” of the river….see where it leads me.

So I’ve decided to interview myself …dive into the deep and see what swims beneath.  The questions will be my guides- my boat. But I will have the choice to explore the various tributaries and channels that appear before me.

My first question will be this:

In 5 years, what will you look upon as your greatest achievements?

I’m picking this question because I feel a drive, a sense of urgency, and perhaps it will lead me to understanding the values I am about to put this energy toward.

My second question will be this:

What are my emotional dependencies?

Those are some deep waters.

Care to join me? I’m going to take the week to journal on these topics. No censoring. Everything that surfaces, I will jot down.

Single and Satisfied

“Are you dating anyone yet?” my married, mid-40′s client inquired as he sauntered into my office to shoot the breeze before the class he had arrived early for was slated to begin.

I’ve had a few thoughts occur to me since this moment. I’ll share, because I’m positive I’m not the only early 30′s, single female — or male for that matter– who has experienced this before and wonders what the heck is happening.

1. A month ago I would have either been offended by this question (not outwardly so)  or thought, “Hmm….actually no. Perhaps I should start looking.”

2. I smiled at him when he asked me this and said, “No, and it’s not even on my radar, to tell you the truth.” He looked taken aback. His surprise could have been due to any number of reasons. Perhaps he thought I’d answer with something like, “No, there just aren’t any good guys left…” or “You know, I don’t even know where or how I’d meet anyone…” or “My goodness, am I wearing that ‘I’m lonely, date me’ stamp on my forehead?”

3. Is it possible, and I know this could be a reaching a bit, that I could be super satisfied, content, and in fact overjoyed in my singleness?

4.The “yet” at the end of his sentence almost implies an assumption that dating someone is what I want….there’s that foreshadowing….the lingering anticipation that I just might….after much pining and wishing and longing…come back with, “You’re never going to believe who I met!!!!!” Because who wouldn’t, if they are single, be looking and be fulfilled focusing on her career, writing books, devouring education, taking introspection to new heights, and helping others become who they want to be? Preposterous!

5.  I take such joy in analyzing the behaviors of other people and peeling away the layers of history and meaning and gunk that becomes attached to their words. I enjoy doing the same with myself. Believe me, I do and say things that stop me in my tracks and cause me to pause and think  “Did that just come out my mouth? No, seriously….moi? I can own that? Wow.”  I could make my entire life about this stuff. Oh wait, I have.

6. I’ve done Match.com and I’ve done Eharmony, and I’ve done a total of two dates from them in the span of two years. STOP! When you read this, what was your first thought? Click on the comment button NOW and tell me! Intriguing.

7. When I was a young girl I cut out pictures of dresses that I could wear when I’d have my dream wedding. The folder I kept them in, and I remember this so clearly, also had a picture of Demi Moore in her gray, sweaty tank top, camouflage fatigues, and glorious shaved head from her role in GI Jane. I wanted to be GI Jane. What a bad ass.

8. The dichotomy of those images is comical to me now. I got married and hated my gown. Now I’m divorced. And when I did get divorced, guess what my next big goal was? Think muscle. Think hard core, bad-ass, one arm pushup, train until you can’t move, bodybuilding.

9. I own my own home. I just got a cat. STOP! (Click on the comment button NOW and tell me what you just thought!). I’ve got a great career that will continue to move forward. I work a lot and it’s my choice. I’m in school again trudging gratefully toward my PhD. I rarely go out and have just a few very close friends. And I am not lonely in the slightest.

10. Am I opposed to a relationship? No. Am I going to search one out? No. Do I like men? Yes. Am I a single, spinster, cat lady? Well, you might think so. I would like to believe I’m a single, attractive, intelligent, independent, happy, well-educated, responsible, determined, funny, well-adjusted, growth-minded, fit…..okay, you get my point.

11. I’m curious whether any of you who are out there and are single and not actively looking yet aren’t opposed to a relationship have experienced what I have? Marriage isn’t necessarily the norm anymore folks. Single people are treated quite interestingly based on the far-reaching effects of the marriage institution. Stereotypes abound!

I loved the first page of Bella DePaulo’s book, Singled Out.  In it she beautifully, and sarcastically, crafts her argument that single people are, in fact, singled out.

“I think married people should be treated fairly. They should not be stereotyped, stigmatized, discriminated against, or ignored. They deserve every bit as much respect as single people do. I can imagine a world in which married people were not treated appropriately and if that world ever materialized, I would protest.”

She goes on to list a few things that she would find offensive. Here’s a taste:

1. “When you tell people you are married they tilt their heads and say ‘Aaawww’ or ‘Don’t worry, honey, your turn to divorce will come.’”

2. “Every time you get married you feel obligated to give expensive presents to single people.”

3. “Single employees can add another adult to their health care plan– you can’t.”

Does it surprise you that one of my least favorite songs is Beyonce’s “All the Single Ladies”? Read the lyrics.

I want to hear from you! What has your experience been?