If I don’t, does that mean I won’t?

19 Apr

I struggle through moments of terror at times. Well, maybe that’s a bit extreme of a word to describe it.

Trepidation. There, that’s better. It’s a bit less volatile than terror.

What it isn’t, is comforting. And yet it’s familiar.

It’s a state in which I place high personal demands on myself. I tell myself- don’t stop, push harder, go further. Don’t back down. Here’s a simple example: On the treadmill I glance from the time to the distance to the calories burned. I cant tell you what each of them says, but I can tell you that my goal may be to finish that minute. But then if the distance is uneven, I’ll push toward the next quarter mile instead. But then if the calories burned is not even, I’ll push for the next ten. If it says 292, well, of course I’m going for 300. But I don’t know that it’s 300– I just know that it’s even!

I’m not looking at the #, I’m looking at the goal. Past the goal. I’m looking to strive.All the time.

Because I can. Because I know I’m capable of more. And perhaps a bit OCD.

Good? I think so.

And there’s a point sometimes…maybe…that this approach can get in the way. When I begin to think, “I need to rest” and  yet I keep……on……pushing.

If I don’t, does that mean I won’t? Later on? When I need to? When it’s necessary to persevere? It’s a silly question for me to ask myself…maybe…because I rarely let myself down like that.

Could that be why I haven’t let myself down? Because I’m willing to go the distance….or further most times? To push past where most would quit?

What do you think?


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