Get Real

24 May

When I wrote my “Interviewing Myself” post, settling over me was a dense, almost suffocating fog of creative yet anxious urgency. I was supposed to be doing something, being pushed to commit or move or finish something. Times like this inevitably lead me to intentionally exhale and search for a comfortable spot to rummage around a bit for the driver.  Comfortable, I come to find…over and over and over again… is the key word.

Often I come to one or a few conclusions — 1. I’ve  had too much caffeine; 2. My hormones are out of whack; 3. I’m hungry; 4. I’m trying to do too many things at once; or 5. I’m putting far too much pressure on myself to ‘figure it out’.

At the end of the Interviewing Myself post, I said I would ponder the following questions:

In 5 years, what will you look upon as your greatest achievements?

I’m picking this question because I feel a drive, a sense of urgency, and perhaps it will lead me to understanding the values I am about to put this energy toward.

My second question will be this:

What are my emotional dependencies?

I was obviously grasping for answers.

It seems that a discomfort with uncertainty could be a significant fear of mine. Kind of.  But it’s often not conscious. It creeps in when I least expect it. Honestly though, most of the time I am thinking, “Uncertainly is inevitable. Nothing is permanent.” I am okay with not knowing everything. I am okay with not having my entire life planned out or being able to look into a crystal ball and predict that in 10 years I’ll be the CEO of a coaching development firm, have 3 books published, have won The Voice and released at least two Grammy winning songs….Really, I am! I think.

Just yesterday though I said to my business partner, “Oh my gosh…there are times when we have these conversations and we’re planning and scheming and getting so galvanized and passionate about our projects, that I just start feeling frustrated, like I’m spinning. I can’t devote the time, the energy, the effort necessary to make them come to fruition quickly enough. Do you ever feel that way?!” He nodded. I know he does.

With this question though, I realized I was answering the second interview question from my previous post. What are my emotional dependencies? Recognizing that most of my life has been a push for more, for accomplishments, and for achievements, I have hung on to the belief that if I don’t do “something”, I won’t be “anything”. And I have to be someone. I MUST be someone.

Do you know when I don’t HAVE to be anything or anyone though and I just am, and that’s fine…it’s perfect actually? When I’m not thinking so far ahead, and when I’m not pushing away parts of myself that I’ve labeled as “bad” or “unbecoming”, I feel freer, liberated, and imperfectly honest!

I will always be an achiever, a doer, a go-getter, and one who will never stop learning and growing. But through that growth has risen the drive also to reveal the tattered, bruised, and ugly, shaded, less than attractive, base corners of my soul. We’ve all got them. And we suffer the most when we reject them. Maybe life is about learning not how to ‘figure it out’ , but how to be real, to claim all parts of yourself, to remove the masks, and see that whatever you have defined as dark and ugly can be transformed.  To get real I believe we must run toward that ugliness rather than away from it.

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