If you’re a hot mess, mind your hot thoughts!

30 Apr

hot mess party of oneWhen I first heard the phrase “hot mess” I didn’t  know what to think. I experienced the same feeling I got when I sat in the theater watching the screen just prior to the  trailers running, when the voice said, “Do us all a solid…” and proceeded to ask the audience to silence their cell phones.

What the heck does that mean?

Okay, maybe I don’t get out enough. Or maybe my nose is buried in research so much these days that I am not accustomed to any terms used outside of academia.  Regardless, upon finding out the meaning of these two words, ( truthfully, these words conjured images of a Sunday night dinner I may have been presented with when I was in high school during what my mom would call “Experiment Night” when all the leftovers were thrown into a baking dish and we dug into a steamy surprise) it took me straight to two words that I use to describe the antecedents to some pretty messy, impulsive, reactive, and oftentimes ugly behavior:


No, these aren’t sexy fantasies of Fabio (really, ladies?!) or pornographic images of a decadent bananas foster (for those of you who are dieting and like to use the term ‘food porn’ to describe your imagery escapades)– they are the reinforcers of our often misguided perceptions that lead us into hotmessdom.

I’ll dish out the down low. (See, I can’t even sound cool when I try).

We are conditioned to respond in ways in which we are often unconscious. Without a level of attentional awareness, we move through our lives; our relationships; our responsibilities; and our roles at home, work, and school in a largely automatic fashion. We look down and our dinner is gone. We get to work and don’t remember driving down the road.  We are confronted by a spouse 15 years into marriage with the words, “you never paid attention to me.”  We react rather than respond.  We want, so we get. We avoid instead of approach. We speak before we think. We cross the road before looking both ways.

You get my point.

We’re impulsive. And without being mindful and aware, we end up in the middle of Hotmessdom, wondering how the heck we got there. Once there is when you typically wake up, open your eyes, listen to the sounds around you and recognize that something just doesn’t feel right. You’ve made a mistake. You took the wrong turn. You didn’t follow the right directions. And now you’re in a really uncomfortable and scary place. An anxious, anxiety-ridden, “get me out of here” place. You want to run but you don’t know where to go. You want to hide, but you don’t know who you’re hiding from. Yourself, maybe? You’re scattered and fearful and you just want to be feeling something else. A hot mess with some hot thoughts that now, as you’re reading this and you’re in a rational state of  mind, standing on the outside looking in, you may take some time to zero in on.

What are those hot thoughts that keep you in that emotionally messy, stuck place?

I’ll share mine. It yells at me, and when I hear it screaming I have to turn around and say, “Look, I know you think you’re helping me, but you seriously have no right barging in here to tell me who I should be, how I should act, what I should look like,  how I’m not good enough, or how I won’t measure up. ”

ListenIt’s this: You need to do more. You’re not working hard enough. Who do you really think you are writing this blog hoping that you can reach someone and help them understand they’re  not alone in Hotmessdom? Only, none of these thoughts are blanket, 100% accurate. Can I improve? Yup. And I strive for this daily. Do I need to work hard? Yup. And I do. But if those hot thoughts are grounded in fear or unworthiness, they need to be reassessed.

You don’t have to live in Hotmessdom. The better you get to know yourself and are able to access your wise and rational minds– the minds that can assess your hot thoughts in a more objective, open, non-judgmental, and approachable manner– Hotmessdom becomes a smaller and smaller land, way off in the distance.

Most of the time.


2 Responses to “If you’re a hot mess, mind your hot thoughts!”

  1. shellykim60 May 1, 2013 at 7:29 AM #

    Hi Kori, I have a new email address. Shellykimsloan@gmail.com. I love your articles. Be blessed, Thanks! Shelly

    Sent from my Shelly’s iPad

    • kpropst May 1, 2013 at 10:05 AM #

      Hi Shelly! Thank you! I was approached by a woman at our workshop last night and she said the same thing, plus “They really make me think…” I hope they have the same impact for you. At the same time we can get locked upstairs in the attic too often and miss the importance of being “embodied.” We have to practice centering ourselves in our home base (our bodies) too in order to feel integrated and whole. When we feel scattered and hot-messish it’s often because we’re not honoring both. We feel split. And we need to “reground” ourselves. Like the strong truck of a big oak tree. Thank you for your comments!

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